Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Building Power

“Stop giving your life away to other people.” 

Adoption was an extremely dis-empowering process. We lost everything that mattered to us in the shattering act of stealing us away from our mother, ourselves, our natural family and our authentic life.

My friend, also an adoptee, refers to us as bandaid babies, given to adoptive parents to help heal their wound of loss. As a child I strived to be the best replacement daughter I could be for my heart-broken mother. It's no wonder that I became a very good rescuer and people pleaser.

I was other-focused. Figuring out what people needed and wanted, giving them my time and energy, pleasing them, fitting in, and being accepted was my primary pre-occupation. Trying to make the people close to me happy was unconsciously driven by my need for love and approval and my fear of loss.

The personal cost was that I was absent from my own life. I was an invisible, silent, disempowered doormat. Adoption had taught me that I didn't matter.

Living this way was at the expense of building a centred and substantial life, an admirable life, a life that would give me a solid sense of security and satisfaction. And like all people -pleasers there comes the inevitable cry 'what about me!' We feel unappreciated, unacknowledged, and unhappy. To be left out of our own life feels devastatingly dis-empowering.

So how do we reclaim and build power in our lives?

For me this has been, and still is an ongoing process and this is what I've learned so far....

Some of the ways by which I/we continue to be disempowered are;

... putting others' desires and happiness before our own
... not speaking up [about how we feel and what we need and want]
... worrying about how others will view us
... not giving ourselves permission to have our needs and wants met

These are just a few examples. How do you disempower yourself?

The path to power involves;

... speaking up for ourselves
... setting boundaries
... expressing our creativity
... validating/accepting our feelings
... accepting support
... believing that 'I matter'

I'm finishing this blog post with an invitation to join me on FB. I'd love to hear from you on this subject. I believe that we can help each-other to grow and be more empowered. We have all been affected by the same primal wound and we are all at some stage of reclamation and personal empowerment. Support and positive suggestions can help and uplift us on our journeys.

Oh...and please 'like' the Shining Light FB page.

P.S. Let's become more visible and audible. Staying hidden and silent isn't serving us. We do matter. Our views and voices are valid, and [at least] equal to the views and voices of others...including our birth mothers.

1 comment:

  1. I tried to be a please my a-parents but it didn't work, given that I was 50 IQ points smarter than they were and could never for the life of me get into their headspace. We really didn't belong on the same planet, and the line "You're the baby your adoptive mother wanted" is a tasteless joke.

    I don't do FB, but I've recently started blogging about adoption over here: